i was working on writing something that was supposed to be meaningful but then sort of lost momentum. i miss messy summers even though the heart of the reasons for having messy summers in the first place have always been depressing. i guess what i meant to write was just going to be a more contemplative way to say the latter (read: elliptical nonsensense). being a grown-up apparently means bearing the same hardships and sadness (if not more) as when you were younger with fewer opportunities to do stupid, fun shit to make you forget it.