distance

i want a cupcake so badly.

in theory, i could go get one. there is a bakery less than a mile from my apt. hell, i could probably walk there in 3 minutes.

except this is long island and apparently i'm not allowed to walk anywhere without getting funny looks or being run over by oncoming traffic unaccustomed to pedestrians. i'm too lazy to find my car keys, start my car, drive out, park there, and re-park my car in my driveway. it's just a little too much effort, time, and carbon emission for one measly pastry.

alas, my longing will go unrequited.

terminally dissatisfied, indefinitely inadequate. how do i undo what i've done? it says something bad about myself when the term "self-mastery" stings.

oh god i hate my life so much right now. i'm hoping everything will turn out okay. sigh.

i'm sinking.

okay so i know that obsessing doesn't help. and i know that in the end (or at least so far in my life), things tend to work out okay, albeit never spectacularly. it's a kind of ritual of sorts that i promise to turn over a new leaf or expect better outcomes from the world but everything more or less equilibrates back to where it started. i don't know i'm just so frustrated and each time i have to go through this cycle it feels like more of me gets trapped in it and never comes out again.

jesus, jesus, jesus.

i've noticed that i've been writing in this thing more lately. it probably has to do with stress and my strong desire to procrastinate. i'm thinking maybe it's time to go back to keeping a journal. i'm also thinking that that might lead to more useless intellectualizing.

i woke up this morning with an acute sense of anxiety that i hadn't felt in a long time. i then fell back asleep and woke up 20 minutes ago. this mix of anxiety and laziness is not working out.