lately, i have been mistaking the sound of my refrigerator for the sound of my ceiling fan. for some reason, they are remarkably similar. oh my fridge: chopping the still air with its imaginary blades. woosh woosh woosh. a familiar rhythmic churning every hour or so. i find myself sitting in my room thinking "hmm better turn off the fan."

even though it is nearly mid-april, it is still so cold in new york. it is becoming a little dispiriting to remind myself that, no, it is not the fan, it's just the fridge. it's not nearly fan-weather yet.

in other news, i'm moving out by the end of the month. while i have a bunch of things to finish up beforehand, i'll be leaving the city soon too. it's surprising but i'm really looking forward to it.

nyc is the kind of place you either love or hate and if you grew up here and live your whole life here, you can't help but love it. at the same time though, you end up obsessing about the parts of it you are losing. the nature of this city is change and all the familiar elements that you have known eventually become supplanted by the alien and the new. every loss starts feeling like a memory slipping away and the longer you stay, the more the city starts feeling like a memorial of your own life.

in between fighting with myself about what it is that i hate about "new" new york and what it is in the grit, cement, and oddly out-of-place tree that keeps my finer feelings afloat, i've come to accept that living in long island will not be so terrible. in every aspect of my life now, i expect the worst and i figure that things can only surprise me by turning out better than i planned.

if nothing else, it will let me do something i have never really done which is to miss the city. i'm looking forward to shifting my perspective away from what it is that is disappearing before me to what it is that will still be there when i return.