being 16 and walking along 1st ave trying to catch the breeze which always seems wayward.
the smell of shisha, the scent of alcohol that seems to drip out of every sweat pore. i hiccup, i absorb every drop of grease and oil from the railings of air conditioners and all the grime off the lower east side concrete.
i don't know how i end up here. all i know is this pile of leaves and soft dirt makes for a nice place to rest my head. it doesn't matter that the next day every passing dog will need to stop here too. every star is oscillating in tiny circles now and the edge of the moon is a parameter i cannot measure.
before this, there is twilight, made beautiful by memory, spires and the sharpness of arabic ingrained into the baritone notes of prayer.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
before i forget
time seems to move faster these days so every now and again i feel the need to stop and commit some things to memory.
last week, during the snowstorm, two blue jays rested on some branches right outside my window. it was beautiful to see the two spots of blue amidst the grey sky and blur of white. they stopped for a second and flew away. i think about this now every time i hear birds chirping. it makes this winter feel a little less bleak.
last week, during the snowstorm, two blue jays rested on some branches right outside my window. it was beautiful to see the two spots of blue amidst the grey sky and blur of white. they stopped for a second and flew away. i think about this now every time i hear birds chirping. it makes this winter feel a little less bleak.
Monday, February 8, 2010
okay
i am trying to work outside my comfort zone lately which is very difficult because the older i get the more i just want to be by myself all the time. i realize that one of the recurring mistakes i have made in my life has been hiding both my attributes and my weaknesses from everyone. i was painfully shy as a child, tried to get over this when i was a little older by being a showy bastard, but now that i'm even older than that, i realize that that doesn't work either, and have returned to being painfully shy in my early 20's.
life brings some lessons though: one of the few things i took away from my psychiatry rotation is that having social phobia and generalized anxiety can be a crippling way to live day to day. while sometimes it may be unavoidable, i should at least do whatever little i can to try to overcome my own anxiety when functioning in public. half the battle is accepting that i am competent at what i do and the other half is accepting that there are many things that i struggle with and need to work on.
it's a handful and there is in a way, a deadline. it is both too little and too much time to amend everything.
life brings some lessons though: one of the few things i took away from my psychiatry rotation is that having social phobia and generalized anxiety can be a crippling way to live day to day. while sometimes it may be unavoidable, i should at least do whatever little i can to try to overcome my own anxiety when functioning in public. half the battle is accepting that i am competent at what i do and the other half is accepting that there are many things that i struggle with and need to work on.
it's a handful and there is in a way, a deadline. it is both too little and too much time to amend everything.
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