it occurs to me that i might hate medicine. i don't know; it frightens me, it frustrates me. it just seems like this all encompassing entity. it requires so much from people, some level of eternal fascination and discipline i don't think i have.

i kind of fell into the field by accident. that is both my luck and my curse. people ask me what i want to go into and then lay out the brickwork of their dreams before me. i'm in my 3rd year and i have no idea. a 12 year old i was doing an exam on asked me if i wanted to be anything else besides a doctor when i was growing up. i didn't know if i should tell her that even now, i'm not sure if this is what i want. honestly, i don't think i ever wanted anything growing up other than to be happy. i've done a mostly shit-poor job of that too.

when i started this academic year, i watched patients receive emergency intubations. i watched them dying but not die. i really admire physicians who can tread that line between caring and professional composure. it is something i'm trying to attain; how to care without taking it to heart or how to heal without indifference.

in other news, i can't focus on anything any more.