it occurs to me that i might hate medicine. i don't know; it frightens me, it frustrates me. it just seems like this all encompassing entity. it requires so much from people, some level of eternal fascination and discipline i don't think i have.
i kind of fell into the field by accident. that is both my luck and my curse. people ask me what i want to go into and then lay out the brickwork of their dreams before me. i'm in my 3rd year and i have no idea. a 12 year old i was doing an exam on asked me if i wanted to be anything else besides a doctor when i was growing up. i didn't know if i should tell her that even now, i'm not sure if this is what i want. honestly, i don't think i ever wanted anything growing up other than to be happy. i've done a mostly shit-poor job of that too.
when i started this academic year, i watched patients receive emergency intubations. i watched them dying but not die. i really admire physicians who can tread that line between caring and professional composure. it is something i'm trying to attain; how to care without taking it to heart or how to heal without indifference.
in other news, i can't focus on anything any more.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
in defense of kanye west
i've heard a lot of negative things about kanye west even before this whole VMA debacle though it's hard to deny that what he did the other night wasn't a dick move. Grabbing the mike from a 19 year old winning her first real music award (ironically for what i consider more muzak than music) isn't exactly the noblest of acts. in the very least, he did it on behalf of beyonce although goodness knows beyonce has earned enough accolades that one less ugly trophy won't cause her to lose any sleep at night.
yes, kanye often acts like a jerk. and yes, he speaks his mind a little too often and sometimes what's on his mind is incredibly stupid. but i respect that. i think for the most part what comes off as ego is compensation for a man who has had a difficult life. what little i know about him: i know he grew up in a single parent household, struggled with dropping out of school and the repercussions of that, worked a long time for respect as a producer and respect as a rapper. he has lived through a serious car accident, an intense breakup with his fiance, and the sudden death of his mother. he is a man who seems to struggle with what he has gained through fame and what he has lost.
perhaps it's the deep cut that early exposure to greek tragedies has had on me but i can't help but see the pathos in all of this. at times listening to his music, i can pinpoint the lines that reflect on his own knowledge of his shallowness and the ridiculousness of it all. this is probably me projecting aspects of myself on others but i've always felt akin to mr. west in that sense. i suspect that he knows, like i do, when you're not being a loud shallow asshole than you're just dealing with your own shit.
anyways, i thought i had something meaningful to say about all this but now that i reread this, i realize--not really. in the very least, i'm pretty sure this will be my last rap or pop culture-oriented rant for awhile lest i become the written word equivalent of that weepy, runny eye-linered mess defending brit-brit on youtube.
yes, kanye often acts like a jerk. and yes, he speaks his mind a little too often and sometimes what's on his mind is incredibly stupid. but i respect that. i think for the most part what comes off as ego is compensation for a man who has had a difficult life. what little i know about him: i know he grew up in a single parent household, struggled with dropping out of school and the repercussions of that, worked a long time for respect as a producer and respect as a rapper. he has lived through a serious car accident, an intense breakup with his fiance, and the sudden death of his mother. he is a man who seems to struggle with what he has gained through fame and what he has lost.
perhaps it's the deep cut that early exposure to greek tragedies has had on me but i can't help but see the pathos in all of this. at times listening to his music, i can pinpoint the lines that reflect on his own knowledge of his shallowness and the ridiculousness of it all. this is probably me projecting aspects of myself on others but i've always felt akin to mr. west in that sense. i suspect that he knows, like i do, when you're not being a loud shallow asshole than you're just dealing with your own shit.
anyways, i thought i had something meaningful to say about all this but now that i reread this, i realize--not really. in the very least, i'm pretty sure this will be my last rap or pop culture-oriented rant for awhile lest i become the written word equivalent of that weepy, runny eye-linered mess defending brit-brit on youtube.
Monday, September 14, 2009
a short discourse on jay-z
listening to the blueprint 3, certain things occur to me.
first: i will enjoy anything with a horn section (which is probably why i like the first half of this album more than the second). tied to this, however, is the fact that jay-z sounds most comfortable rapping over actual melodies than blips and beats. his flow seems most fluid over the sweet sax and guitar lines of DOA than that swizzy crap near the end. more evidence of this, is the comparatively strong lyrical outing on american gangster compared to this album. it is bizarre when he tries to use progressive beats and at one point he drops a line that seems to reference clipse (keys open doors). yes, clipse can use clanging, futuristic sounds because that's their thing. but jay that's not you and that's a good thing. you shouldn't be cross-referencing anyone but maybe 'pac, biggie, and ironic head-nods to nas--certainly not clipse. you should be able to stand on the strength of what you say not name-dropping.
two: this is really weak rapping. i guess the old saying about glass houses comes to mind because i could only imagine how terrible my rapping would be in comparison but honestly, terrible. i gotta give hov some credit; this is still a much better album than most of the stuff i hear on the hip hop stations and i would (and will ) gladly roll down my windows and pump this from my ride. but the strong storytelling, humor, and bravado i've come to expect in a jay-z album is just not here. it is not even that he is resting on his laurels but he is a man who is comfortable in his achievements and has earned his way to the life he's wanted. by all means, he should have all that he's worked for. but satisfaction is not the greatest motivation for art. the humor, the sense of injustice, the hunger for success that he exhibited in the past are not here.
three: okay, disclaimer, but this last point is probably really closely related to pt. 2. jay-z is getting older and if there's one thing i respect about his style now is that he doesn't insist on playing the gangster card. he knows that he can't rap whole songs about pushing coke or pimping anymore because that's not his lifestyle. at the same time, he seems to have a hard time finding meaningful things to say now that he delves less into his past. while it's probably a hard topic to broach, jay-z stands at a good vantage point to rap about what it means to be an elder statesman in hip-hop, the stresses of maintaining success, shifting values from hood to mansion, and what role he sees himself in the music scene. it's probably a sensitive issue (i can barely think of turning 30 without wanting to cry) but it's something that jay might have more insight into than anyone else in rap. hopefully, his next album will say something brilliant about that.
first: i will enjoy anything with a horn section (which is probably why i like the first half of this album more than the second). tied to this, however, is the fact that jay-z sounds most comfortable rapping over actual melodies than blips and beats. his flow seems most fluid over the sweet sax and guitar lines of DOA than that swizzy crap near the end. more evidence of this, is the comparatively strong lyrical outing on american gangster compared to this album. it is bizarre when he tries to use progressive beats and at one point he drops a line that seems to reference clipse (keys open doors). yes, clipse can use clanging, futuristic sounds because that's their thing. but jay that's not you and that's a good thing. you shouldn't be cross-referencing anyone but maybe 'pac, biggie, and ironic head-nods to nas--certainly not clipse. you should be able to stand on the strength of what you say not name-dropping.
two: this is really weak rapping. i guess the old saying about glass houses comes to mind because i could only imagine how terrible my rapping would be in comparison but honestly, terrible. i gotta give hov some credit; this is still a much better album than most of the stuff i hear on the hip hop stations and i would (and will ) gladly roll down my windows and pump this from my ride. but the strong storytelling, humor, and bravado i've come to expect in a jay-z album is just not here. it is not even that he is resting on his laurels but he is a man who is comfortable in his achievements and has earned his way to the life he's wanted. by all means, he should have all that he's worked for. but satisfaction is not the greatest motivation for art. the humor, the sense of injustice, the hunger for success that he exhibited in the past are not here.
three: okay, disclaimer, but this last point is probably really closely related to pt. 2. jay-z is getting older and if there's one thing i respect about his style now is that he doesn't insist on playing the gangster card. he knows that he can't rap whole songs about pushing coke or pimping anymore because that's not his lifestyle. at the same time, he seems to have a hard time finding meaningful things to say now that he delves less into his past. while it's probably a hard topic to broach, jay-z stands at a good vantage point to rap about what it means to be an elder statesman in hip-hop, the stresses of maintaining success, shifting values from hood to mansion, and what role he sees himself in the music scene. it's probably a sensitive issue (i can barely think of turning 30 without wanting to cry) but it's something that jay might have more insight into than anyone else in rap. hopefully, his next album will say something brilliant about that.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
my life has always been tethered to a sense of nostalgia i could never quite account for. these days i like to think that it runs in the blood, some deep immigrant longing, the loss of something visceral and unnamed. the way some people's bones ache before rain, my sternum presses against my skin and a weight inside my stomach pulls me closer to the ground as if something in my life were about to come pouring down. but nothing gathers on the horizon; i've always suspected that what i feel is my body pulling me back towards a half-remembered dream, trying to shape my thoughts into something it has known before, something distant but real.
lately, i find myself reaching back. i watch the teenagers leaning against their cars on cool summer nights and children riding their bikes on empty concrete roads. i drive my car with the windows rolled down, playing the radio, singing along loudly to the songs i know. i snap my gum, dress up, dress down, and let my thoughts wander. in my mind, i want to be 14, 15, 16, anything but a 23 year old with too many responsibilities and a wavering sense of duty. i wish i were 5 or 6, round cheeks and scraped knees picking squash blossoms off the spiraling vines in my grandparent's yard, playing make-believe on an abandoned boiler.
but not quite. there is something deeper but i just don't know.
lately, i find myself reaching back. i watch the teenagers leaning against their cars on cool summer nights and children riding their bikes on empty concrete roads. i drive my car with the windows rolled down, playing the radio, singing along loudly to the songs i know. i snap my gum, dress up, dress down, and let my thoughts wander. in my mind, i want to be 14, 15, 16, anything but a 23 year old with too many responsibilities and a wavering sense of duty. i wish i were 5 or 6, round cheeks and scraped knees picking squash blossoms off the spiraling vines in my grandparent's yard, playing make-believe on an abandoned boiler.
but not quite. there is something deeper but i just don't know.
i am pleased that obama did not cop out on including a public option in his speech about health care reform. i am not pleased by his explicit need to say that the health plan would not directly fund abortion or provide care for illegal immigrants. i am still on the fence about how he thinks it's possible to fund a system without creating any deficit. not that i am opposed to debt, i just don't think that there are that many self-sustaining government programs that keep themselves in the black and it is best to just own up to that fact. but what do i know, i am probably just a liberal/socialist. i would still like to see something more concrete (i.e. policy written down to the T) before making any kind of judgment call on any of this.
anyways...canadian-like single payer system all the way!
anyways...canadian-like single payer system all the way!
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