there are probably better things to do on a friday night than having a beer by myself and writing this. i could probably try and be social (too tired) or study (also too tired). even though my life is already filled with too many breaks to "clear my head," i'm having a hard time getting myself together.
this week has been frustrating. i'm trying to make the best of it. what i've suspected for so long, that i am inadequate, socially awkward, and stupid, seems to be proving itself true. all the things i've kind of half-assed through are coming back to haunt me. i can't decide if this is motivating or spirit crushing. i've never wanted to curl up into a ball and cry more than i do now but for some reason i can't. instead i'll just finish off the 2nd beer of the evening and contemplate a 3rd.
it feels like there's so much for me to do. maybe too much. but then i start thinking if i have gotten this far--much farther than many others who have worked harder and wanted it more--then maybe i just need to pull myself up by the bootstraps and keep at it. rotations have shown me that the task of being a competent doctor extends far beyond med school and that i will forever be trying to keep up, learn, and prove myself to an escalating hierarchy of people. i haven't quite wrapped my mind around whether this is good or bad. i keep vacillating between commitment to this field and a strong desire to bail, if only i still felt like there was something which i could safely or at least competently bail to. any talent i once perceived myself to have is gone. most of the time i feel like medicine is the only thing i have left.
moving to long island, i felt like it would be an appropriate change of scenery and backdrop for personal change. i can say quite easily that i'm tired of the person that i am. i keep falling back into the same patterns but i realize now overnight transformations are more fantasy than fact. after ignoring all those occult strings that pull at me for a long time, i returned to reading my horoscope and tarot this year. all those predictions seem to indicate a good year for me. i am still waiting for it. my life, no, maybe more specifically just me, feels like it is diminishing.
and if i'm going to be honest, i might as well be honest. after ignoring it for so long, i realized how much i missed my ex. after so much stupid shit with men: some too serious for me, some too ridiculous, and some just kind of random--there is really only one person i think about when i think about these sort of things at all and i don't know why. it's been such a long time and i only knew him for a little bit and really, i didn't know him at all. seeing him after so long only goes to show how even those tenuous beliefs i had about him were wrong. it's probably a reflection of my own dissatisfaction that i keep returning to situations that cause me grief because i think i can somehow make things right. i really can't.
these are hard times and i can't decide if i am at a point of impasse or revolution.
and now i am on beer #3.
