moved

long island is extraordinarily quiet at night.

a few minutes ago, some teens were biking and yipping down the street; even their exuberance was more muted than i'm used to.

the place i'm living in is cute in a bizarre way--all jagged angles from being, technically i guess, a converted attic. but then cute in a bizarre way could just as well be used to describe myself. what i really want is to find elements of myself in everything.

i can feel the breeze from my window. even though i have lived away from home for five years, this is the first time i've really been completely by myself: no fear of someone walking through the door, no stranger peering over my shoulder as i eat. it has never occurred to me how nice the wind feels blowing through an open window facing out into a darkness thick with the sound of crickets and rustling trees.

i am hoping that this is what i need.

i need to deal with my intense dissatisfaction with life.

once everything settles down...once i'm done with school, once i'm working--paying for my own shit and being an adult--what then?

it's getting closer & closer to a point in time when i will need to have an answer for this. i've split my life into so many compartments of objects, actions, concepts, and people; studying medicine has been the steadiest artifice that i've been able to carry this out.

but i can't sustain it. i can't manipulate this one tired excuse forever.

what am i going to do with myself once the greatest stress and burden in my life...is just me?

1. hello june. june means oncoming anxiety attacks and 100+ practice questions a day. oh and memorizing mnemonic devices but not the meaning behind them. oh and future homelessness.

2. it is still raining, it is still cold. dammit nyc, it's june.

3. according to my 2009 horoscope reading, this is supposed to be my year. so far i feel like shit.

4. at least i can stop waking up at 6 soon.